I as a person, as a woman, as a girl am very temperamental. My phases of happiness, cheerfulness and jubilation are fairly inconsistent for no matter how hard I try to remain this way, sooner than later they always seem to fade away until only my sadness remains.
Now me and my friend sadness, we are long-time partners, we surprisingly met a couple of years ago in my room when I was at my all-time low and we’ve been inseparable since. We spend hours, days, weeks together locked up in our own private domain, in complete and utter darkness, silent shadowless presence encapsulated by our impenetrable though invisible walls which we have devotedly built over these years to keep everyone out. Not one soul, whether they be good, whether they be bad are ever allowed in. We’re in my world now.
Here, the natural balance of good and bad does not exist, there are no laws, no rules to ever constrict – here my thoughts, my mind, my feelings are all set free, finally. My body lets out a deep, enduring sigh and through my sigh all my worldly troubles, my personal miseries, all the pain and all the suffering are surrendered to my sadness in relief and my sadness, my wonderful, kind, gentle sadness willingly takes over from me. And then I disappear. I am invisible or you could say hidden, for it is this longing to hide that I seek the most, or simply that while my sadness liberates me, I am irretrievable to the point where I wish no one would even try. Why even bother!
Sometimes my sadness is forced like when I am angry or just annoyed, when I am offended and antagonized, hurt or bitter, hateful and resentful but most of the time the truth is that I openly welcome sadness myself. Why? Because I’m tired.
When you’re around even just one another person you should always try and be cheerful so your problems won’t become theirs, your sadness and your depression is not why they’re there, so you should smile, you should laugh and just pretend everything’s okay. And I think this way is right. You should never burden someone else unnecessarily. We are not at all perfect and no matter how happy a person seems on the outside, we all have our moments of sadness – some more than others but all of us nevertheless.
So when I’m sad, I don’t have to pretend. I can relax and acknowledge the fact that I am tired and life truly sucks all to myself. Let me clarify I am not tired physically for physically I am a very lazy girl – not the laziest but pretty close to it I would have to say myself – but mentally, emotionally everyday I get more weary. First I get disgusted by everything, everyone and all the world’s problem – I don’t understand why people are the way they are; so creul, so greedy, so indifferent, then I get bored by everything, everyone and all the world’s problem – I can see no change occurring or about to occur and conclude to myself that human beings will never change so the way the world is right now will not get any better either, then thirdly and lastly depression kicks in and my lovely friend sadness arrives.
But it’s quite sad to be sad all the time, it’s not really a place I would really recommend permanently. There are moments when I spend too long with my one lonesome friend that in the end I don’t feel the wanting to return. I find myself questioning my inner me, return to what? To this world! to this country! to this society! To my life, to my friends, to my family. But sometimes nothing is ever enough. I begin to despise the fact that I had no choice of my birth, of my sex, of my world. I wished I lived anywhere but here but then no where would be good enough, my mind already knows, for no matter where I go there will already be someone there. We are all corrupted substances, with the capability to cause so much destruction, deaths and despair. We are all too vain, too arrogant and too conceited of our place in this world claiming our seats next to our own made up gods, when infact we are all just empty, frivolous, senseless beings.
We were all given life for reasons no-one can ever unravel, but when there’s so much hatred and violence, no answer can ever be treated reasonably – for surely we were not simply given life in order to take from others, in order to gain from others, in order to exploit anyone weaker we come across. Surely not – so therefore the mysteries of our existence cannot ever be discovered because surely it cannot be just to kill. And it is at this point I feel the urge to end it all, this meaningless existence and this pointless life and give up my empty vessel to someone more worthy or guilelessly willing.
But then I am not that stupid or would you say courageous.
This is only my friend sadness speaking.
