What a spectacular spectacle this world seems to be, ostentatious through and through where beauty surrounds us in its own abundance, pain is disguised in its own diversions and my mind itself cannot quite understand, why everything seems to be moving so fast. I find myself hurtling down unknown corridors, pushing past a maze of lifeless drones, scrambling desperate to find…

… and here I stop myself involuntarily for no, I no longer want to find you.

To acknowledge this, to acknowledge me, to acknowledge you – that is the most important part of the search.

Dawn breaks through and my world is beset with the living, the awoken and the awaking. Pupils open wearily while our hearts remain forever beating and I have no other choice than to carry on enduring.

when each path is a folly containing each one of my vice, when each way is just as tempting enough to make each mistake twice,

you leave me at a crossroad willing me to make up my mind, giving me mixed signals I choose always your side and yet when I turn around you are nowhere.

How can I make you succumb to me,

your entire heart, whole soul unconditionally,

when each word you reveal has me reconcialling inside, when each action you express leaves me pondering insecure wise,

you are in my mind constantly, obsessively and yet all the lovers around the world would not make me smile, for when I open my eyes, you are still nowhere.

Time to live in the present, for it is relatively impossible to live in your past. The present is here, the present is now, so we should let bygones be bygones and experiences fade into memories whether they were precious or not. We do not always make the right decisions but then time is our best friend and by magic, or with patience that moment will soon be gone. So it’s time yet again to live for the present.

But I was talking about love right. Ah love – I am a very committed romantic at heart and on top of that I am also a Pisces and all those who are familiar with their zodiac signs should be convinced now fully to my claim that I am a true romantic and will always be a romantic. Nothing in life is more precious to me than love.

But that doesn’t mean I truly believe in it. Or that one day I will find it. Or that my true love is out there searching far and wide for me. Or that he will be unbelievably good-looking, mouthwatering and delicious to the eyes, lips – including all senses. No, I don’t for I am not that naive. I have lived and I have dated more than enough to conclude that love, love like most of everything in life resides purely on our minds. You could argue that it’s just a figment of our own imagination, or just a simple human invention created to yet again control.

We live for love and yet isn’t love just a word. Like hate is just a word. Like life and death are just words. They are all just words, but they are also words that everyone universally has given an important meaning to, a heightened emphasis, a priceless emotion, the most beloved of them all. We believe and follow these words to a point until we are blinded by them and forever left blind. They are words which define emotions beyond our capabilities, beyond our control, beyond rationality. I wonder who created them and why, with what thought exactly. To create love and life or to elaborate hate and death. But then that will be me living in the past again.

Life is truly wonderful though, there is no denying that, excluding scientific explanations, there is no fixed answer to why we exist. How many people spend so much of their precious life pondering away that very question. Why do we live? Why are we here? For what purpose, what reason – someone please make it clear. Or are we just being too presumptuous.

Is there any real reason for our existence, was there ever really any in the first place. We humans are the only living entity in this planet we share with so many various different entities, who call ourselves humans. And it is only us humans who call all those various different entities animals, sub categorized into reptiles, fish, amphibians, mammals, cats – you get the idea. But aren’t we also just mammals in the end. Science seems to colour this world in a ugly yet incredible shade of grey, where all fables and myths and stories seem to fade away. It is too exact and it has no passion, no fiction only fact, fact, facts. But it is the scientists who lead our way, with crooked politicians and behind the scene money makers making sure we are not lead astray, solely so they can remain higher up than the stars where not even justice can seem to reach them.

Or maybe I’m just being too pessimist here.

But looking around at the world of today, it’s hard to find passion and if you do have passion then it seems equally hard to find a way. There is so much good in this world but it’s the bad that overshadows, dominates, commands us all and peace is fundamentally just an hopeful word for the ones who still care.

We are all geniuses in what we have achieved, united in how we’re connected, technology has surpassed us all to the point there is no going back but each day we only grow more wary, more guarded, only more suspicious of each other. We are able to see what’s happening on the other side of the world but these images are mostly of deaths, dishonesty and despair. And the truth is no-one really seems to care.

We are all too busy, trying to make a living and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. But sex, drugs and rock and roll, accumulating useless expensive/inexpensive material hoards is not why we should work so hard. We live only one life (whether you believe in reincarnation or not) and a lifetime is really not enough, but if everyone is silent about all the troubles of the world, nothing will ever change.

Where is the love in living if your life is only measured by material possessions, popularity and fame – completely useless things really. Why create more divisions than there are already. We should really stop pondering and arguing and ignoring. We have exhausted this world and all the creatures who exist within – it’s time to make a change or pretty soon this wonderful life we are given will not be worth even living.

But then again now I’m being too presumptuous for all I’m doing is pondering.

I as a person, as a woman, as a girl am very temperamental. My phases of happiness, cheerfulness and jubilation are fairly inconsistent for no matter how hard I try to remain this way, sooner than later they always seem to fade away until only my sadness remains.

Now me and my friend sadness, we are long-time partners, we surprisingly met a couple of years ago in my room when I was at my all-time low and we’ve been inseparable since. We spend hours, days, weeks together locked up in our own private domain, in complete and utter darkness, silent shadowless presence encapsulated by our impenetrable though invisible walls which we have devotedly built over these years to keep everyone out. Not one soul, whether they be good, whether they be bad are ever allowed in. We’re in my world now.

Here, the natural balance of good and bad does not exist, there are no laws, no rules to ever constrict – here my thoughts, my mind, my feelings are all set free, finally. My body lets out a deep, enduring sigh and through my sigh all my worldly troubles, my personal miseries, all the pain and all the suffering are surrendered to my sadness in relief and my sadness, my wonderful, kind, gentle sadness willingly takes over from me. And then I disappear. I am invisible or you could say hidden, for it is this longing to hide that I seek the most, or simply that while my sadness liberates me, I am irretrievable to the point where I wish no one would even try. Why even bother!

Sometimes my sadness is forced like when I am angry or just annoyed, when I am offended and antagonized, hurt or bitter, hateful and resentful but most of the time the truth is that I openly welcome sadness myself. Why? Because I’m tired.

When you’re around even just one another person you should always try and be cheerful so your problems won’t become theirs, your sadness and your depression is not why they’re there, so you should smile, you should laugh and just pretend everything’s okay. And I think this way is right. You should never burden someone else unnecessarily. We are not at all perfect and no matter how happy a person seems on the outside, we all have our moments of sadness – some more than others but all of us nevertheless.

So when I’m sad, I don’t have to pretend. I can relax and acknowledge the fact that I am tired and life truly sucks all to myself. Let me clarify I am not tired physically for physically I am a very lazy girl – not the laziest but pretty close to it I would have to say myself – but mentally, emotionally everyday I get more weary. First I get disgusted by everything, everyone and all the world’s problem – I don’t understand why people are the way they are; so creul, so greedy, so indifferent, then I get bored by everything, everyone and all the world’s problem – I can see no change occurring or about to occur and conclude to myself that human beings will never change so the way the world is right now will not get any better either, then thirdly and lastly depression kicks in and my lovely friend sadness arrives.

But it’s quite sad to be sad all the time, it’s not really a place I would really recommend permanently. There are moments when I spend too long with my one lonesome friend that in the end I don’t feel the wanting to return. I find myself questioning my inner me, return to what? To this world! to this country! to this society! To my life, to my friends, to my family. But sometimes nothing is ever enough. I begin to despise the fact that I had no choice of my birth, of my sex, of my world. I wished I lived anywhere but here but then no where would be good enough, my mind already knows, for no matter where I go there will already be someone there. We are all corrupted substances, with the capability to cause so much destruction, deaths and despair. We are all too vain, too arrogant and too conceited of our place in this world claiming our seats next to our own made up gods, when infact we are all just empty, frivolous, senseless beings.

We were all given life for reasons no-one can ever unravel, but when there’s so much hatred and violence, no answer can ever be treated reasonably – for surely we were not simply given life in order to take from others, in order to gain from others, in order to exploit anyone weaker we come across. Surely not – so therefore the mysteries of our existence cannot ever be discovered because surely it cannot be just to kill. And it is at this point I feel the urge to end it all, this meaningless existence and this pointless life and give up my empty vessel to someone more worthy or guilelessly willing.

But then I am not that stupid or would you say courageous.

This is only my friend sadness speaking.

To work hard though it’s not that hard, it’s to start – that’s the hardest part of all.

When one chooses a career path such as a writer as I have, one has to read a lot and write just as much, if not more. Yet for months now I’ve been struggling – no let’s be honest here – putting off writing anything productive at all. I do read, it’s the writing I let myself down at time and time again. If to be a writer all you had to do was read, then hey I’m halfway there but life – ahh life – life, life oh this wonderful life we lead, live is never that easy – ever.

Maybe if I was born into a wealthy family and I had all the riches I could ever possibly want EVER, then maybe life wouldn’t be so hard. How I wish I was a heiress, or a child prodigy, I would even settle fine to be a illegimiate child of some famous rock star – then I would have all the world and more within my arms reach. Oh if only. If only. If …

But I’M NOT.

Alas, sob sob, I am completely normal. I am not wealthy, neither am I rich. I am no heiress or child prodigy. And as for rock stars, stars that’s all they are to me. But money does not make the world go round, although it does help (in MA-UH_SIVE ways), so I can far from complain. I have an amazing rock of a mother, who has taught me all she knows, all I know and a daddy who’s always been there, here, everywhere. I have two beautiful, exceptional sisters and a lovely, prodigious brother, all who I frankly don’t deserve, for they love me far more than they really should.  If there was any need for my family to point out a black sheep of the family, it would most certainly be me, so already with my unworthy qualities, I should not complain.

Atleast I have my health. Atleast I am normal. I have two arms, two legs which both work just as well when put to the test. Twenty/Twenty vision ( or so I say so myself), thin but (again I would like to say) juicy lips (haha) and a if a bit bent, perfectly fine nose. Although I am short (petite uhum uhum) and honestly don’t like the size of my, should I say boobs or breasts, ( and no I don’t want them bigger, infact I want it the other way) other than that I am happy, seriously content with my body and the way I am. So compared to all the less fortunates, I should not complain.

Again I repeat, I was not born wealthy, nor rich but neither was I born poor. My lifestyle and everything within my reach are all possible only because of my mummy and daddy and I am always very thankful for that. They have provided me and my siblings far more than their mummy daddy ever did, far more than most parents would for their kids, so I am eternally grateful. I have a brain, I get fine grades, I have a job and I’m going to university coming September. I always have food to eat ( too much food that I have to use my herculean strength to resist), clothes to wear and a cosy shelter forever over my head. So considering all the people in this world who struggle everyday just to survive, I have absolutely no right to complain.

But hey what can I say, it’s always more easy to contemplate the lives of the more fortunate than the less, it’s always less tiring to just imagine what you’ll do than to do what you imagine, it’s always more pleasant to spend your days in your head than in reality – isn’t it.

But these are again all just excuses, my excuses.

When I was younger I thought the whole world revolved around me, not in a big headed way but just the childish one where the outside world and complete strangers remain just that, forever outside your little comfortable bubble. But I’m not young anymore, far from young, I reached the big 2-0 this year and looking back on my life, I regret the past three of my wasted years. As a teenager, as a young adult, life is very tumultous and in a society where every negative aspect of life is glorified, it’s very easy to fall down a wrong path and lose yourself to many foolish follies and vice.

The worst thing I find about life is that mistakes – mistakes—you only realise it’s a mistake after it’s too late. In a optimistic light, mistakes teach you valuable lessons, in a pessimistic, it’s just the opposite. But life is life, a non-stop, on-going, never ending journey in life right until the day you die. That’s why you just have to MOVE on. Move on. Move on. There’s nothing else really. To be caught up in your past means you will constantly be restricted by it. Time goes on so life goes on.

I have learnt a lot in the past couple of years, I find that from a rebellious, uncontrollable teenager I have blossomed into a quite mature young adult ( well that’s my view anyway haha). I’m not perfect but hey who really is.

Now I’m 20. Ahhh the big 2-0. Although it feels no different, it’s strange how quickly this age has come. Far too quickly, I haven’t even done anything yet, achieved anything yet. It is also my age that makes me think I should get a move on. I want to be a writer. There I’ve said it. Now I’m not going to lie and claim that that’s been my dream all my life but it is my dream right now and has been for a while. Frankly there is nothing else I would rather be. But I’m not completely naive either.

I know it will be hard. I’m already finding it hard. Truthfully after my GCSE’s four years ago, I had stopped reading, writing completely for almost two, three years. Now some people may laugh at my dream of being a writer. So be it. But it’s my dream and I am trying to catch up.

how hard it works,

how rigorously it toils, sweats and struggles

to feed itself,

to feed its hungry

to be somebody in the god forsaken earth.

Where is it’s salvation?

Some treasure their wealth far too much,

Some abuse their bodies without a thought,

Some neglect friends for enemies

Some become enemies to friends,

In this world where  kindness is seen with an allusion of suspicion

What is salvation?

We were all brought into this world with dreams

with love, laughter, desire

created through a unique, extraordinary bond

two opposites brought together as one,

we have eyes to appreciate what we see,

we have ears to understand what we hear,

a nose to breath in the essence of life,

a mouth to whisper nonsense into a lover’s ear.

We were all meant to live

we were all meant to love

we were all meant to be

somebody.

Stop working hands and just stay by my side,

I may be young now,

delusional and naive

but I have  not just a heart but also a brain

a will, a reason, confidence

I will not let you fade away like everybody else,

your tired hands, I will pick it up

soothe it gently

rub it warm

let my hands work for your hands

for I will never let you fade away.

we are but some cluster of cells,

regain me, restore me

and guide me back up,

back to those wasted summer days

back to those untainted innocent ways,

when we were unsure of nothing

and yet nothing was ever clear.

All we had was each other.

But love is old, it is rarely every young,

for the young do not know value of love

love is slow, love is understanding

yet it is always the most misunderstood.

We are too choosy in our pickings

too reckless with our findings

too curious for our age

too idle for the real thing.

We deserve what we do to each other

us, human beings.

A life created through love

and still there are abundant breadths for hate,

A race moulded into similar shapes

and still we find enough to differentiate

the highs and the lows,

the rich to the poor,

the portrayal of beauty

lost in a flock of empty faces

beholding extravagant, exggarated names.

All we have is each other.

What we had, what we have, what we will have

bestow upon them just enough importance

remember the love,

remember our love

for no material means will give anyone any greater happiness

than a love well lived.

Come, find me

eventually when you are ready

when I am ready

under the sunny smile of the sun

embraced by the gentle wind,

and the tranquil music it conjures up

as it gently breezes by.

what is its real meaning

is there really such phenomenon awakenings

does our heart really beat for a reason

is there really such a thing as love

or are these all just fabrications from history

excuses for the unknown

weaknesses for the ignorant

and everlasting enlightenment for the ones who believe.

Why is life so hard?

Silence, against so many questions

Noises, following so many confusions

Power, in the form of unnecessary repressions

Freedom, only make-believe in fairy tales.

Aren’t we all the same,

or does the imprints in our fingerprints really make such a significance

the colour of our eyes,

the thought processes through our brains

our heritage, we are all different

yet, aren’t we all still the same.

Big bad wolves, come in the form of suits

wicked old witches, nowadays are no longer old

neither are they witches

if only from the outside,

they are beautiful.

This world has overwhelmed us

as science said it would,

but what have we paid for its price

not even the scientists pretend to know

the air once clear, has suddenly turned so foggy

the sea once rich, has suddenly turned so poor

we have each within us, the power to give life

and yet everyday a life is irreverently sent to die

hopes are disentragrated

dreams misplaced

kindness replaced

many tired old hands

a few noteworthy tyrants

and to believe is otherwise better known as crazy

but it is also the important gift of all.

The eyes of fate, watch over all of us

its hands, pointing us towards its invisible directions

and no path comes without it’s problems

an overbearing anchor attached to our chest

confiding each of us, it’s own intimate tales

pushing us slowly to the day

where one day we finally uncover

life’s sincere mystery.

the moon, stars

Fly on a spaceship,

and one day we can live in Mars

Live the impossible

initiate all the realms in your heart

and tenderly make it a reality

or you will never achieve your true state of happiness

complete contentment,

as a being, as a puppet

if you live your life as second best.

Listen to your heart

Open your soul

and watch before your eyes

this wonderful world we all live in unfold.